12 steps

Admitting you are a prude when it comes to the kind of music you listen to is hard. Ever since I can remember I have judged people solely based on the kind of music they like and respond to. I couldn’t understand why millions of people would lose all semblance of sanity over the likes of Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and Usher. What frustrated me even more is that after a day spent out I would come home humming lines from ‘we found love in a hopeless place.’ What is it about this stuff that makes you want to smack your head repeatedly against a wall while the music plays in your head for days? Entire subcultures revolve around these musicians and for some reason I constantly cast it aside.

I’m not saying all popular music is good; far from it actually. What I am trying to say is that acknowledging it might be a good idea. Somewhere along the line every self respecting musician, collector and listener has to reign it in and take a look at what the rest of the world is obsessing over. You might not know it but a lot of the time you’re singing along too. Besides, a lot of the time you’re wrong about how god these artists actually are. Yes, they make awful songs that have no creative anything whatsoever but something tells me you need to be really good to be that bad.

Too many people I know seem to think popular music today is very ‘uncool’ so To help all music prudes get over their hang up I have come up with a take on the 12 step program:

The 12 steps

For all Music Prudes, unwashed hipsters and haters

  1. Admit the fact that you judge people on the basis of what they listen to. Also think about how you publicly protest all that is in popular demand by wearing over sized headphones and black clothing.
  2. There is a power greater than yourself at work. There has to be a reason why millions of screaming fans idol worship the likes of Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj every millisecond of every day.
  3. Make a decision that you will put your self in the hands of popular radio at least once every week.
  4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves.(I’m not changing this point because its relevant.)
  5. Admit to your friends, those you mock and God(if it makes you feel better) how good the hours spent in the car and shower singing songs you loathe feels.
  6. That you are entirely ready for Ryan Seacrest to take over a few hours in your Sunday so you can work on this character defect.
  7. Understand that before you discovered whatever it is you are listening to now you knew all the lyrics to songs from at least one of these bands: The Backstreet Boys, Eminem, Abba, Michael Learns To Rock, Destiny’s child, Madonna and Linkin Park (I’m sure I’ve missed out a whole bunch of stuff but you get the idea)
  8. Find a rough estimate of the amount of people you have put down, scoffed at or simply turned your back on and try be nice to the next few people you meet that are into Enrique.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except in the rare circumstance where they say Bryan Adams changed their lives; in which case you are allowed to tie them in burlap sacks and beat them with reeds.
  10. Continue to realize that no matter how much black you wear and people you laugh at, popular culture will hold 99% of the population in its iron grip.
  11. Find the will to get through an entire song without changing the track; You could meditate, pray, or just drink your way through it. At some point it is bound to be interesting.
  12. After having received spiritual/popular awakening (and possibly a migraine) as the result of these steps, you will carry this message to all music prudes and unwashed hipsters.

To give you a few examples of what I meant by the fact that these artists can actually sing we have Katy Perry with electric feel.

Followed by Miley Cyrus singing Lilac Wine for the Backyard Sessions.

If you’re still reading then I’m sure you can handle Nicole Scherzinger singing an acoustic version of Poison.


And since this is the only time I will ever be able to put up a Nicki Minaj song on this blog without blushing a little we have Beez in a Trap. Thank you Shkaplan for this; It’s so obscene and bizarre it’s a little delicious.


One comment

  1. Totally delicious.
    Ok, I’m admitting Im a closet gross pop music fan. My shazam will tell you how every time theres a cheesy song on the radio, I have to know what it is and who its by.
    But you know what my excuse is? It makes great running music.

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